The Loyal Traitor

APRIL FOOL!

2007-04-01T00:50:00.000-07:00

Arcade Fire

2007-03-30T22:50:00.000-07:00

I cannot get enough of these guys. Their new album, Neon Bible, is most excellent.

My New, Old Face and the Desert

2007-03-05T23:56:00.000-08:00

The picture posted below is what I look like right now. First time I've seen my face in somewhere around two years. It happened Friday night. Went in to have a trim (which involves going into the bathroom to give myself a trim) and came out without much left. At first I was pretty freaked out. I kept having to remind myself that prior to growing a beard no one thought I looked like some sort of gargoyle. Now, though, I kinda like it. I'm sure that we haven't seen the last of Red Beard. However, Red Beard was apparently looked ugly, unhappy, overweight, and old. At least, that's what I have deduced from the constant comments on how young, skinny, happy, handsome, etc. I now look after the cut. But at this point it's alright by me. At least, I look like what I really am and have always been.

Separate from the loss of half of my face, I'm headed to Tucson, AZ friday to work with some church planters there. I got that "excited/scared" feeling. Like 98% excited, 2% scared. Or maybe it's more. It could be, it could be 98% scared, 2% excited but that's what makes it so intense, it's so - confused. I can't really figure it out. I'm excited about what's to be seen there, not just the desert and cacti, but in the Kingdom of God. But I'm also incredibly scared that I'll fall in love with the place and God will call me there. I understand that if God calls me there, being there is being in His goodness. But, I can't imagine being away from my family. And my church. And my friends. And Texas. It's especially scary when I think about my nephews and nieces. Two new ones on the way and I'd potentially be 14 hours away. I feel like this is what Jesus was referring to when He talked about hating family in order to follow Him. Honestly, right now I'm nowhere near there. I am at least praying that He'll communicate clearly with me next week no matter what He wants to say. I'm scared as hell, but I want the Lord and nothing else. The strange thing here is that I don't really have any sense that God is moving me toward Tucson. I'm just afraid He might.

2007-03-03T11:03:00.000-08:00

Sayin' Sorries

2007-02-22T10:36:00.000-08:00

So, I realize, as was pointed out to me by ICN, that my last post may have been a bit over the top. I guess the use of the double-F word was a bit much. I was just greatly enfuriated by said man in said truck with said sticker. I probably should have been a bit gentler. If I offended, my sincerest apologies, and the post is now edited and sort of safer for the whole family.

Bad Ass Boys, Drive Dumb Ass Toys

2007-02-19T11:05:00.000-08:00

I saw a sticker similar to this on the way home from class today. It was on the back of a Dodge Ram. The only difference was that the ram head on the sticker I saw was colored like the Confederate flag. I've seen this sticker on campus here at Conservative U once before. My reaction then was the same as it was today. "What a SHITHEAD! I think I might throw a rock through that window. Yeah. That's a great idea." Luckily, neither time have I actually shattered the window, but damn it, I sure wanted to.

Look. I'm by no means an expert on global warming nor am an environmental saint with my 8 year old SUV that slowly leaks oil constantly. I'm working on it though. I tend to be somewhat compassionate on the big truck driving folks around our lovely community and university. My roommate is not so compassionate on them. It's quite funny. Last Earth Day he and I were sitting outside at Terazzo's here in town having some wine with some friends. Every time one of the countless barely street-legal monster trucks drove by Ian yelled, "Happy Earth Day!" or "Why don't you drive your big ass truck off a big ass cliff, you ----face." or some equivalent. OK. I made the second one up. Actually, it was similar to what I wanted to yell at Mr. Haulin' Ass today. That poor guy must have a tiny -----.

Demos, Coffee, and Lies

2007-01-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight Ian recorded some demos in the dining room as I sat on the couch listening and doing some reading. We drank some coffee, I out of a coffee cup I apparently paid a quarter for at a thrift shop (as evidenced by the ".25" written in permanent marker on the bottom of the glass), Ian out of a pint glass. I'm continually impressed by his ability as a songwriter and a musician. I need more evenings like this one. It was a fitting end to a day that began with a much needed breakfast conversation with my friend Mark. I think I need Mark. I think I need to learn how to interact with the Lord the way he does. This morning he pointed to some things in me that I've been feeling for a while and have been unable to realize. In our community meeting this week I made a statement to the effect of, "I'm naturally a sad person." This morning Mark told me he almost responded to that statement with "That's a fucking lie!" I'm really glad he didn't say that then. I probably would have shat myself. He basically said as much this morning, although a bit more gentle and affirming. And I realized as he was sharing this with me, that he was speaking the word of the Lord to me. While I may have a natural bent towards melancholy or depression due to being born in a dead body, the Spirit of the Lord is not that. It is love and joy and peace--three things I have felt little of in a while. And, unfortunately, the Spirit's something with which I feel no familiarity and have very little sense of how to find my way back. But I get the sense that Mark does. I have fallen into agreement with the lie that I am some things I am not and for my very life I've got to find a way to separate break that agreement. So I think I need Mark. And I think I need Ian. Something in watching both of them do what they do well shines hope into the fog I've made my bed in.

Thomas Merton on Humility

2006-12-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

"Teach me to bear a humility which shows me, without ceasing, that I am a liar and a fraud and that, even though this is so, I have an obligation to strive after truth, to be as true as I can, even though I will inevitably find all my truth half poisoned with deceit. This is the terrible thing about humility: that it is never fully successful. If it were only possible to be completely humble on this earth. But no, that is the trouble: You, Lord, were humble. But our humility consists in being proud and knowing all about it, and being crushed by the unbearable weight of it, and to be able to do so little about it."

-From Thoughts in Solitude "XV"

America's Pasttime At Its Best

2006-06-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

Just in case anyone missed this.

Minor League Manager Loses It

Click the link then watch the video. Even if you're not a baseball fan, this video is worth your time. The reenactments of the slide into second base and calling the strike at home plate are the best parts.

Great Articles

2006-06-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

I frequent the BBC's news site along with occasional trips to The New York Times' site and The Washington Post's site. Lately, these visits have paid off. Here's a few articles that are well worth your time.

Showing the Way - This is an autobiographical piece by Wil Haygood, a writer for The Post, regarding his efforts to rescue his great nephew from his cursed family history. Had I not been sitting in a class of 150 students, I would have cried multiple times.

Being a Black Man - This is a series The Post is running on being a black man in society. There's some interesting articles and some other media stuff worth checking out. I haven't gotten to explore it as much as I'd like, but what I've seen was worthwhile.

Going to Church by Staying at Home - This one is also from The Post. It's a nice piece on the house church movement.

2008 Election - I realize this is an article on the 2008 US Presidential election written for the BBC, but it's interesting and offers a nice analysis of some of the possible candidates.

Israel and the Palestinians - This BBC page takes an in depth look at the history and current situation between Israel and Palestine. It's a nice resource.

Hope you all enjoy these as much as I did. And for the record, I'm pulling for Richardson, Clark, or McCain for President.

Good day.

Unclehood

2006-06-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

Being an uncle to this kid is incredible. This picture was taken on the road to my parents' house in Gilmer, TX. I took him with me for the weekend and we had a blast. It was one of the best weekends I've had in a while. We must have listened to "Rings of Symbols" by Pilotdrift around 20 times. In the course of the weekend it went from being "the train song" to "Thomas The Train". It was a blast. Unclehood is one of God's greatest gifts to me.

We're Coming Home

2006-05-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

Serial Troll

2006-05-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

Live From Seattle

2006-05-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

Passion 3000: Enough (Already)

2006-04-19T22:22:00.000-07:00

If anyone is tight with the Passion crew I'd like to send a few messages their way:

To Gigolo: Enough already. How many albums and EPs and messages can you put out in a year? Somewhere early on in this whole thing you mentioned that you guys were just here to facilitate a worship revolution. Somewhere not long after that you announced at a conference that you felt that had happened and you were done. Somewhere not long after that I guess you forgot you said that and thought what you said was that you guys were here to set up a rock and roll show, artist/worshipper (or artist worshipping, I'm not sure which) kingdom. I liked the first idea better. And one more thing. Try to avoid blatantly contradicting yourself. If you're going to mouthe off about being all about God, try emphasizing that a little bit more. Or in simpler terms, don't name your tour, "The Passion Experience."

To Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie Hall: "Suddenly I feel you're leading me" in the same old repetitive songs you've been writing for the last 5 years. Anyone can write a song that says the same thing over and over (and over and over and over), and I think the Bible says something about meaningless repetition. You were good once, but you have forsaken Joel's Window.

To Tom Tom: You're short. Nonetheless, somehow that doesn't prevent you from writing good worship tunes. Let me know how all those trophies work out for you in heaven. Also, please be sure to let me know next time you plan to call "all the crazies in the house down to the praise pit." I'll be sure to be somewhere else that night.

To "Da Crowdster": You're really creative. Most of the time. However, you have a bad habit of recording one or two bad songs on each album. Let's work on that, OK? Oh, and this whole Passion scene's really holding you down. You ought to break off and do your own thing. Imagine: all the smoke and lights and screaming girls and... Wait. Nevermind.

To the Brit: You're getting played, man. They're using you for your writing. On average you get, what, one song per album to the three or more everyone else gets?

To Johnny P.: Why, when you live in the ghetto of Minneapolis, driving the same old jallopy you've been driving for the last 20 years, are you still hanging around these hooligans?

To the Board of Directors (if there is one): It's time to get back to the heart of (artist) worship. All the lights and smoke and stuff are making it hard for me to tell what kind of jeans Tomlin's wearing.

And finally, to you, the reader: Only you can prevent Passion buyers.

Peter's Story

2006-04-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

This morning, after I realized that I had spent very little, if any, time thinking about and orienting myself towards remembering Jesus' sacrifice, I began reading the Passion narrative as retold by Walter Wangerin in The Book of God*. I found myself drawn deeply into the story, almost like never before. And I guess in some since it really was something new. Something hit me from the story I'd never given much thought. What was Saturday like? Assuming Jesus died on Friday, the Bible tells us some of what Friday night was like and then it skips to Sunday and the resurrection stories. But what about Saturday? What were the disciples thinking and feeling the day after? As I thought about this, I began to imagine that Peter felt something like this:

"Oh, God. How could I have been so stupid? Before it all happened He even warned me, "Peter, this very night before the first rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times." That crow was like a gavel. I'm guilty. A liar and fool. Traitor of the King of the Earth. And on top of that I damned those who had asked if I had been one of His disciples. I didn't just deny that I was one of His, I screamed for the death of the people He wanted to give life. Jesus, I'm so sorry. Forgive me!

"I don't think I can do this. He was the only hope I'd ever known. He's the only person who could ever help me get past my stupid mouth. I just can't live with myself. How could I have done this? God, I want to die! Kill me now or I'll do it myself. Jesus, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I said I'd follow you, but I didn't have it in me. Damn. Damn me. Please, God. Please, please kill me. I hate myself. I can't do this. I just...Wait a minute!

"Where were the other guys? What happened to James and John. Those bastards were always talking about calling down thunder. Where were they in the garden? How come they didn't try to fight like me? If they would have joined in, Jesus couldn't have stopped all three of us. We could have saved Him right then if those guys hadn't been such cowards. And what about Andrew? My own brother! And Matthew? Jesus was the only person in all of Galilee that ever gave a shit about him. Everyone else wanted the chop his head off. He just turned and ran. And Judas...If I find him, he'll wish he'd never been born..."

At this point I imagine the anger overcomes Peter and he loses it. Through his uncontrollable sobs he manages to get a little out.

"Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! I'm so sorry. I'm just as guilty as those other guys. Three times! You even warned me! How could I be so stupid?

"Jesus, I miss you so much."

He loses it again. This time he cries so hard he begins to dry heave. After about an hour of solid crying, he begins again.

"This hurts so bad! I miss you so much. You were... You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You taught me everything worth knowing. You were all that mattered. I'm sorry. I really thought I had it in me to follow you all the way. I'm so, so sorry... Please, God... End this. Kill me. It's too much..."

He slumps to the floor exhausted. After laying still for a few moments, he flies into a fit of rage, wrecking the room, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"WHERE ARE YOU? You promised that you came to save us and give us life. You said you were the way. Did you forget about us? How can you be the way when you're dead? YOU'RE DEAD! I left everything I'd ever known for you just to have you die and abandon me? How could I have been so crazy? Now, I'll never be anything but that crazy guy that left a decent life to follow some guy that died...

"Oh, God, what am I saying? You told us this would happen. You warned us that you would have to die. I just didn't imagine it'd be like this. I miss you, Jesus. I miss you like I never knew I could miss someone. I think I remember you talking about coming back from the dead. Something like three days. They taught me some prophesies about that in synagogue as a boy. Maybe so. God, I hope so. I think I can wait a couple days. That's what I'll do. If there's still no sign of you, I'm ending it all. There's nothing left if you're not.

"Oh, Jesus. I miss you so bad. I just want to hear your voice and walk with you again. I miss the way you always laughed at me and James and John when we got in fights about who was your favorite. I miss the way you made people's pain go away. I miss the way you loved me. Even though I was so foolish so much of the time. You made me see the only things that mattered. I wish you were here. I wish my pain would go away. I wish I could quit holding my breath. I miss you so bad. This hurts so much. Please, God.

"Oh, Jesus... Please, please be who you said you were."

(More to come later.)

*I borrowed a good bit of framework from Wangerin's book as well as the Gospels. I also borrowed a few lines of dialogue from him for characters other than Peter.

A Requiem For Love

2006-04-02T16:46:00.000-07:00

I’m working through Calvin Miller’s A Requiem For Love. It is a brilliant, beautiful, and poetic dramatization of the events of Eden. It’s redeeming me in some significant ways. Get a copy.

Chapter II tells the story of Earthmaker (God) breathing life into Regis (Miller gives Adam and Eve the titles Regis and Regina, which mean King and Queen.). The resulting conversation is so beautiful that I’m not sure how to even comment on it, so I’m going to post verbatim.

The naked Prince laid down in the grass
Soaking life from Terra’s (Eden’s) soil.
“Son!” Earthmaker breathed the gallant word,
Soft and often as the breeze that
Whispered oaks alive.
“Gift unto Myself—
The Prince of presence—
Lest I should ever be alone.
Now, Regis, image of My Being,
You are the Child
To brighten My house
And the glad resolution to My years inside Myself.”

The new man listened, overcome by Presence.
To be given all the world at once,
Stopped his tongue
And left his wit too dead for words.
Overwhelmed, he broke the awesome quiet.
“Father, I receive Your gift of being, but
You have made me too rich
To name my wealth
And yet too poor
To give You anything of meaning.
I love with only giftless love.”

“Regis, there is no such thing as ‘giftless’ love.
The very words accuse each other.
My gift to you is love, but
Worship is your gift to Me.
And Oh, most glorious it is!
Worship always calls me ‘Father’ and
Makes us both rich with a common joy.
Worship Me, for only this great gift
Can set you from the killing love of self,
And prick your fear with valiant courage
To fly in hope through moments of despair.
Worship will remind you
That no man knows completeness in himself.
Worship will teach you to speak your name,
When you’ve forgotten who you are.
Worship is duty and privilege,
Debt and grand inheritance at once.
Worship, therefore, at those midnights
When the stars hide.
Worship in the storms till love
Makes thunder whimper and grow quiet
And listen to your whispered hymns.
Worship and be free.”
____________________________________

May you be continually freed.