Peter's Story

This morning, after I realized that I had spent very little, if any, time thinking about and orienting myself towards remembering Jesus' sacrifice, I began reading the Passion narrative as retold by Walter Wangerin in The Book of God*. I found myself drawn deeply into the story, almost like never before. And I guess in some since it really was something new. Something hit me from the story I'd never given much thought. What was Saturday like? Assuming Jesus died on Friday, the Bible tells us some of what Friday night was like and then it skips to Sunday and the resurrection stories. But what about Saturday? What were the disciples thinking and feeling the day after? As I thought about this, I began to imagine that Peter felt something like this:

"Oh, God. How could I have been so stupid? Before it all happened He even warned me, "Peter, this very night before the first rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times." That crow was like a gavel. I'm guilty. A liar and fool. Traitor of the King of the Earth. And on top of that I damned those who had asked if I had been one of His disciples. I didn't just deny that I was one of His, I screamed for the death of the people He wanted to give life. Jesus, I'm so sorry. Forgive me!

"I don't think I can do this. He was the only hope I'd ever known. He's the only person who could ever help me get past my stupid mouth. I just can't live with myself. How could I have done this? God, I want to die! Kill me now or I'll do it myself. Jesus, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I said I'd follow you, but I didn't have it in me. Damn. Damn me. Please, God. Please, please kill me. I hate myself. I can't do this. I just...Wait a minute!

"Where were the other guys? What happened to James and John. Those bastards were always talking about calling down thunder. Where were they in the garden? How come they didn't try to fight like me? If they would have joined in, Jesus couldn't have stopped all three of us. We could have saved Him right then if those guys hadn't been such cowards. And what about Andrew? My own brother! And Matthew? Jesus was the only person in all of Galilee that ever gave a shit about him. Everyone else wanted the chop his head off. He just turned and ran. And Judas...If I find him, he'll wish he'd never been born..."

At this point I imagine the anger overcomes Peter and he loses it. Through his uncontrollable sobs he manages to get a little out.

"Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! I'm so sorry. I'm just as guilty as those other guys. Three times! You even warned me! How could I be so stupid?

"Jesus, I miss you so much."

He loses it again. This time he cries so hard he begins to dry heave. After about an hour of solid crying, he begins again.

"This hurts so bad! I miss you so much. You were... You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You taught me everything worth knowing. You were all that mattered. I'm sorry. I really thought I had it in me to follow you all the way. I'm so, so sorry... Please, God... End this. Kill me. It's too much..."

He slumps to the floor exhausted. After laying still for a few moments, he flies into a fit of rage, wrecking the room, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"WHERE ARE YOU? You promised that you came to save us and give us life. You said you were the way. Did you forget about us? How can you be the way when you're dead? YOU'RE DEAD! I left everything I'd ever known for you just to have you die and abandon me? How could I have been so crazy? Now, I'll never be anything but that crazy guy that left a decent life to follow some guy that died...

"Oh, God, what am I saying? You told us this would happen. You warned us that you would have to die. I just didn't imagine it'd be like this. I miss you, Jesus. I miss you like I never knew I could miss someone. I think I remember you talking about coming back from the dead. Something like three days. They taught me some prophesies about that in synagogue as a boy. Maybe so. God, I hope so. I think I can wait a couple days. That's what I'll do. If there's still no sign of you, I'm ending it all. There's nothing left if you're not.

"Oh, Jesus. I miss you so bad. I just want to hear your voice and walk with you again. I miss the way you always laughed at me and James and John when we got in fights about who was your favorite. I miss the way you made people's pain go away. I miss the way you loved me. Even though I was so foolish so much of the time. You made me see the only things that mattered. I wish you were here. I wish my pain would go away. I wish I could quit holding my breath. I miss you so bad. This hurts so much. Please, God.

"Oh, Jesus... Please, please be who you said you were."

(More to come later.)

*I borrowed a good bit of framework from Wangerin's book as well as the Gospels. I also borrowed a few lines of dialogue from him for characters other than Peter.